KC (kc_anathema) wrote,

Relena's A Stalker! Heero's Gay! Yaoi Yaoi Yaoi

Relena's A Stalker! Heero's Gay! Yaoi Yaoi Yaoi
by KC

Warnings: unabashed relena-bashing, shonen-ai and hentai yaoi

Disclaimers: Gundam Wing characters belong to Mixx Entertainment, Koichi Tokita, the SOTSU Agency, Sunrise, Kodansha and anyone I may have forgotten, not to me. I make no money off of this.


"Okay, Charlie, back her in!" the workman yelled, waving one hand.

The garbage truck slowly backed up, beeping as it went, until its rear end tipped and unloaded hundreds of bags of trash into the shuttle. After a few seconds, everything settled in and the truck drove off again.

The workman sighed and stared at the pile of rotting compost. Nothing but garbage in there.

Suddenly the bags in the middle of the shuttle started to move. He stared out at it, afraid they might have picked up a dog or cat by mistake. Before he could dive in to look, though, blonde hair poked out and Relena burst up out of the plastic mess, gasping for air. Plastered on her face was a maniacal grin and she held something small to her chest.

"I found it! I knew I would!" she cried, pulling herself out of the mess with superhuman strength. "Strength and determination always win the day!"

"What the hell?" the workman yelled. "Hey, kid, get outta there! This shuttle's set for the sun in a few hours! You could've been toast!"

"I don't care!" Relena said, slowly making her way out to the edge. Her pink clothes were smudged with unmentionable stains, but he could barely make out the scrap of paper in her hands. "I found it! Heero's new bank account! I can find him now, and then he'll realize he loves me, and we'll get married, and have a dozen kids, and he and Miliardo can take turns mowing the lawn!"

"Oh, it's you," he muttered. "Third time this week...Miss Relena, you know you have to stop rooting through people's trash."

She threw a pouty glare at him. "I wouldn't be here if that truck hadn't picked that dumpster up so fast! Really, I should have a few minutes before he takes it away."

"If you wouldn't disappear in those damn dumpsters, we wouldn't have a problem," he said. "Now get out of here before I call the cops!"

Stuffing the paper in a pocket, she whirled around and left, heading to the front where her butler had knowingly parked her pink limo.

*****

"Heero, you hear something?" Duo groaned, wishing he could sit up and look.

"Mmf mf mff." (Not a thing.)

"Huh?' Duo tried to jerk his hands down, but the ropes tying him to the bed were too tight. Then he tried to move his legs and force Heero's head up, but the ropes holding him spread out were also too strong. "I thought I heard...ahhh!...oh, yeah...something outside..."

"Mm mff. Mmm mf." (I didn't. Shut up.)

"But...Heeeeroooo...ow, no teeth!...please..."

"Mmf...mfm mfmm ffmm mmf." (Idiot...if I didn't love you...) With one last furious suck, Duo screamed and Heero sat up, licking his lips. Smirking at his helpless lover, he jumped off of the bed and wrapped his robe around himself, just in case anyone was looking in.

*crunch*thud*

Few people would have heard the muffled noise, but Heero picked up on it instantly. Wondering how Duo could have heard while he was...um...well, yeah...he picked his gun up from the dresser and headed to the window. The curtains were closed, meaning he couldn't see out, so with a deep breath, he whipped the curtains out of the way and threw the windowpane up.

"EEEEK!"

Heero actually dropped the gun in shock at seeing Relena perched at the top of a tall ladder at the window. Both of them screamed, actually, but Heero merely stumbled backwards onto the bed and across his lover while Relena, pushing instinctively against the wall to get away, toppled back into empty space.

To her dismay, she remembered that Heero and Duo lived in a tenth story apartment. Unfortunately, there was another building in the street over, and she crashed through one of the windows there. She landed on a bed filled with rose petals and...warm bodies? She jumped up and stared at her impromptu landing pad.

"Relena?!"

"Sis?!"

"Stupid onna!"

Relena gasped as she watched Wufei, Miliardo, and *gasp* Treize struggle to disentangle themselves from each other. Wufei's hand was reaching for the sword on the floor even as he glared at her.

"What are you doing here?" Wufei demanded, his hand closing on the hilt. However, he found he couldn't bring his sword up to threaten her. "Huh?"

"I'm afraid that's not your sword, my dragon," Treize said.

Gasping, Wufei blushed and fell into his arms, mortified at what he'd done. And in front of a woman, no less!

"I thought you died!" Relena said to Treize.

The former Oz commander chuckled and stroked Wufei's hair. "Long story, involving ancestors, magic and Wufei's dragon."

"Relena," Miliardo started in that sexy deep voice, "were you trying to spy on Heero again?"

Her eyes went wide. "How did you know?" She looked back at the window and saw that there was a telescope lying on its side.

Miliardo followed her gaze and grinned. "Yes, well...sometimes they don't close the curtains..."

With a scream, she jumped back on her ladder and slid away.

*****

"You don't think she'll try that again, do you?" Duo asked, sitting on the edge of the bathtub. "I mean, she finds us no matter what we do."

"We're safe for now," Heero said, tying Duo's hands behind his back. "There are no windows in here."

"I don't know, Heero," Duo murmured as he glanced around the room. "You don't think she could come up through the plumbing, do you? I mean, it's not like--mmf!"

Heero smiled darkly as he pushed the ball gag between Duo's lips and strapped it tightly behind his head. "That's better, no talking right now. Besides, you look good when you're helpless." He eased Duo into the warm bath water, then stood up and went to the toilet for a moment. Just his luck, he always lifted the lid before peeling his spandex off.

"Heeeeroooooo!"

"Gah!" Heero nearly backed into the bath, terrified by the face looking up at him from inside the toilet.

Relena grinned and started to wiggle her way out. "You have no idea how hard it is climbing up this way, but at least I've found you! Let's elope!" One hand shot out and grabbed his wrist, yanking him forward.

"No!" He struggled to break away, but lunatics often have the strength of ten men. He put one foot up against the wall, bracing himself, as Duo ducked low in the tub, watching the scene with morbid fright.

"Mrrooo!" (Heero!) he tried to yell.

"I will..." Heero grimaced.

"Oh, goody!" Relena squealed.

"I will..."

"I heard you the first time, dear."

"I will..."

Relena started to wonder why he didn't want to dive down a toilet with her.

"I will survive!" Heero cried, flushing the toilet and staggering back.

"Heeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrooooooooooooooo!" she screamed as she was sucked back down.

Heero tore the sink off of the hinges and stacked it on top of the toilet just for safety's sake, then joined Duo in the tub to try to relax. Instead, he ended up using Duo as a surrogate teddy bear and chewed nervously on the end of Duo's braid.

Meanwhile, Relena was sent through the cramped pipes until she came out the way she went in, out a hole in the wall she's punched out herself in order to get into the pipes in the first place. This time she was only five stories up and dropped down towards the highway.

To her luck and everyone else's misfortune, she dropped safely through a skylight in a limo and landed on a soft couch. With a small groan, she looked up and saw little Quatre dressed up in a skin-tight lion costume, complete with a sexy mane and tail. Chains hobbled his ankles and clamped his wrists together, while a chain leash held him down, securely stretched out across Trowa's lap as the tall pilot gently whipped his rear, taming his pet lion.

"Are all the Gundam pilots gay?" she gasped.

"Technically, Treize didn't pilot a gundam," Trowa said, giving Quatre another lash.

"Mmm...it's a big mobile suit, it counts," Quatre purred. "Yup, we are..."

Relena shrieked and leaped out of the car, wandering into traffic. She looked up just in time to see a huge car barreling down on her, Dorothy and Hilde holding hands in the front seat with Sally and Noin making out in the back seat.

*splat*

"Huh, what's that?" Hilde pointed at the big blotch on the windshield.

"Eww, another bug exploded on the windshield!" Dorothy cried, and used her windshield wipers to get rid of the annoying pest.

The End
Tags: gundam wing
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