KC (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} kc_anathema) wrote,@ 2008-03-17 00:04:00 |
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Rules for surviving a horror flick.
I'll post anymore if the thread continues. Some of these are golden.
Listen closely to the soundtrack and pay attention to the audience. They are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
When you are searching a house because you think there is something dangerous there, turn on the damn lights!
make sure your headlights are off before trying to start your car.
When running from danger, do not fall. This can only end in surprise buttsecks.
If you buried your child in a strange place and he came back as a demon, DON'T bury your wife in the same place.
don't be weak, stupid, or horny because you will die first
unless you are a religious freak in which case you have a good shot of survival
If you are a girl, don't shower.
Ever.
don't be black.
do not stay indoors if sure there's a killer after you, or shower
for the love of god people, when running away from a killer, DON'T RUN UPSTAIRS!
It's never lupus.
Oh, & never have sex. You will die having it.
If the movie is directed by someone named Wes Craven or John Carpenter, you're pretty much screwed.
Really, though? If you hear a strange noise outside or in your attic or basement, don't "go check it out", you idiot.
Head for the fucking hills because chances are it's going to be an undead spider-bat hybrid that spits acid out it's tear ducts.
A female should never wear a white shirt without a bra while escaping the monster. It will only increase your chances of falling and causing a freak rainstorm that will make your shirt transparent and result in your immediate death.
zombies are faster than you think.
If you live in Maine and your hometown includes a clown driving a car he calls Christine with a large ,rabid St. Bernard in the backseat, while residing in an old, haunted hotel near a strange Pet Semetary and hangs out with teenage girls with telekenetic powers....you're pretty much screwed.
If you see a little girl crying in a corner, don't comfort her, hit her in the back of the head with a large frying pan.
If the killer is standing three feet in front of you, don't just stand there and scream while he comes running towards you. It may comes as a shock, but he DOES in fact want to kill you.
Hmm...
If your girlfriend becomes transparent and toothless, hit it, steal her spaceship, and go over the stars.
avoid the kitchen.
>>avoid the kitchen.
>>and the attic.
>>and the basement.
>>and the decrepit lab in the back yard.
>>and the cave, forest, lake, old house you were warned about in scene three.
Fix'd
DO NOT SPLIT UP, stay together everyone with their backs to each other so u can see 360 degrees. when someone needs to take a shit, everyone follows into bathroom.
If there is an Asian person, stick with them, they are smarter than the whites and blacks who always gets killed.
don't stand near the stairs
If you hear about a curse, don't fucking investigate it.
When backed against a wall, watch your back.
For god sakes, don't sit down and start crying. Every fucking person does that.
If one shot to the head doesn't do it, chances are an entire clip won't either.
If you're guy number seven out of ten in a squad, and you've all just emptied your Navy SEAL MP5s into something, and it's still standing...don't reload. Fucking run.
tape your hand weapon to your hand, that way it wont slip out of your hands when you get knocked down. almost any hand weapon falls from reach at least 2.5 inches in this situation
Ditch the knife, grab the 2x4/pipe/painsaw for range.
>>avoid the kitchen.
>>and the attic.
>>and the basement.
>>and the decrepit lab in the back yard.
>>and the cave, forest, lake, old house you were warned about in scene three
if u still wanna go place mention above, make sure u save on the pentagram on the wall, so if u dead after being killed with pyramid head, u can load again.
if theres a black guy pretending to have a jamaican accent and giving you a drug that looks like soy sauce and says "It be openin' up worlds, mon" take the fucking drug or youll die from white flying rods wigmonsters and shadow beings
If you're in a group, DON'T FUCKING SPLIT UP.
Don't go in there.
I'm serious.
Jesus, what are you stupid? Don't fucking go in-
Oh and now you've an axe in your face. You've only yourself to blame.
if all else fails "DO A BARREL ROLL!"
if the window is mysteriously open, chances are that its already right behind you.
rusty weapons are usually stronger
Nope. He's not dead yet. Especially not when you collapse in a fit of relief.
zombies are also smarter than you think
and never have sex with one or two girls
If you hear moaning, it's not because someone is lieking mudkipz.
If someone offers to sell you a fucking kick-ass awesome huge house for a relatively tiny amount of money, turn them down you dim-witted fuck! ESPECIALLY if their explaination for why it's so cheap runs along the lines of "The last people to live here were murdered horribly"
When you're all alone, in the middle of the woods, theres rumors of a loose pyscho near by, and you hear a noise, for the love god do NOT go see what the hell it is.
Stay with the little kids.
They never fucking die.
Make sure you're the hero.
If you've looked everywhere in the house for the ghost/demon/psycho and he/she/it's nowhere in sight, there's one place you forgot to look: up.
If you hear a noise and go to investigate it, it will be only your cat or some asshole trying to scare you.
If you hear a noise again after that, you better run bitch, otherwise you're already dead.
Try flicking the monster/psycho/demon across the nose. Works on dogs.
If you are on foot and are being chased by a psycho in a black Oldsmobile, DON'T RUN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING ROAD while he cruises menacingly behind you, revving his engine.
Long story short: If there is a zombie outbreak and you're in a basement in the dark with hundreds of other people and dozens of entrances and no lights. Go ahead and kill yourself or start running.
You only have to outrun fatty.
(Don't forget to kill the chick if its a zombie/murderer movie, because she WILL end up getting YOU killed [or the entire world])
Always travel with someone. He gets you while you're alone.
Go around telling everyone your name and staring out windows thoughtfully, this will make you a main character, and you will have about a 50/50 chance of living.
Be the alpha male. If however you are the geek, don't betray or try to compete with the alpha male. That's a sure way to become hamburger near the end. Instead make sure you suck it up and help the alpha male get the girl - then you'll just be the sexless comic relief.
Give a first, last, middle, and nick name to make yourself the main character.
Always travel with 2 people or else the person will (after a long monologue) turn out to be the killer and fuck you up.
Never look into a mirror twice.
NEVER be relieved in any way or utter words such as "we are safe" "its over now" or any along that line.
Keep a spare torch on hand, do not if one breaks try to change the batteries just go to a light place a safe couple of feet away from anything that can jump out at you.
Fight god dammet! If the thing is on top of you then kick, pull, rip your way out of it.
Kill the fucker as soon as you can, NEVER wait for it to finish changing, that means death for you.
Keep away from your tv, static is a bad thing.
Keep somone slower on hand just in case you have to abandon them, if in doing this make a point to half help then thus you do not sin.
Sin in any form = death.
Dont be a cocky twat, you will die and you should.
Go for the jugular!
If it's a psychotic human odds are he'll not be too skilled, if he's on top of you, bite his neck and rip his jugular out. Crude, but effective.
From there try to run,hide and bind your wounds, he should die from blood loss chasing you.
Cops are to horror movies what trash cans are to action movies. If being chased, always run up to one and ask for help. He will undoubtedly pull his gun and head toward your pursuer(s). When they begin to tear him limb from limb, use this opportunity to escape.
when running away from the killer and you know you can outrun them, dont scream like a pussy. chances are the killer will hear your scream and find you banging against a fence. also avoid fences
do not die, this will surely help you avoid death.
crazy killer clowns can fit almost anywhere
STAY AWAY FROM HOSPITALS.
if you find some blood dripping from the ceiling dont look up, just start running
Never say "I'LL BE RIGHT BACK...". The periods are optional and you don't have to say them, of course.
zombies are stronger than you think.
Japanese spirits attack through the least likely objects and from some crazy ass angles. If you suspect you're in a Japanese horror movie, you're probably gonna die no matter what. If you want a chance at survival though, set awareness levels to "Ringu" and keep them there until the movie becomes Americanized and gets a happy ending.
1)If you are told to "Wait here." by the main character, fucking wait there. Do not explore by yourself because you think you know best. This applies to the main characters younger angstier brother or sister who choose the wrong fucking time to be defiant of the system.
2)If you are the female main character it is encouraged that you DO NOT wait there however. The main character will be set upon by the bad buy and you will save his ass by axing or shooting the bad guy just before the male's demise.
3) If 2 occurs then refer to earlier posts. Do not collapse in relief, do not even breath a sigh of relief. Destroy that motherfucker before it starts to get back up.
stay away from curses of any kind. no, they're not funny. no, they're not bullshit. no, isn't that rewarding show off to your friends saying you entered that haunted house and survived, just to die 15 minutes later. if someone says anything is cursed, even if sounds stupid, it's because IS cursed. stay away. oh that person will die too.
dealing with little ghost girls with long hair in their faces? oh boy. you can run from jason or zombies, but those freak childrens just appear everywhere. but fear not! they NEVER attack you when you're with someone else, or better, a group. NEVER. they always wait you to be alone. protip: never be alone. oh don't sleep too, coffee helps.
locked door is locked. don't waste your time trying to open it. run to another place
stay with the actor with the highest payment
NEVER FUCKING INVESTIGATE! I can't stress this enough, you investigate, you die.
Never say "I'll be right back" Cause you won't.
Don't drink, don't do drugs and don't have sex after its started. Thats how they all die...
When you think you've killed the psycho/monster/alien, He/She/It will always return for one final scene.
Shoot it in the fucking head. Doesn't matter what typical horror movie thing it is. The head usually works.
Children of the Corn.
Get the fuck away from the children!
Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
Always be nice to the shy, quiet, unpopular girl/guy in school.
Clowns never have, nor will they ever be helpful to hang around while in a horror movie. As harmless as the might seem, they WILL kill you once you let your guard down.
Get a clue, kill the guy with the pocket protector, he's going to sacrifice you anyway.
Never wait until you NEED the gun to check and see if it's loaded.
If you are being chased somewhere near a populated area, run TOWARDS people/crowds.
This also applies if you see something freaky in a crowd of people, usually at a fair or on the street. Don't follow it/run from it into a dark/desolate area/place.
DON'T EAT IT!
and be nice to people
if you manage to knock the creature out, DO NOT run away. Finish the job and decapitate it then put the head in the oven and tie chains to the body then to giant cement block and throw it deep into the sea.
Stay together.
Guns don't work.
Talk to the monster's mother to find out how to kill it.
He's still not dead.
Monsters/ghosts/demons don't think churches count as base while playing tag of death.
If you think you're safe, you're not.
Don't look behind you when you run.
Don't save those who fall behind.
He's not afraid, why should you be?
If you're out of breath, you're dead.
If all this fails, pull a Shaggy and Scooby and confuse that bitch with some crossdressing.
KILL IT WITH FIRE!
stay away from the press
and dont you ever fuck a vaccume
Actually have a clue as to what monsters are/what keeps them away/act on the fact they are monsters.
If you manage to knocked a killer\monster down, DO NOT be relieved yet. Bash it's head in ans really make sure it's dead.
NEVER EVER EVER GET NAKED OR HAVE SEX!
If anyone died anywhere a hundred years ago today, don't go there.
On a related note: If you're a girl, don't puss out around guns. Your bitching and reluctance will get your ass killed.
Overkill also makes for great screen presence.
I don't care if Sue is going to go all the way, don't go up to make out point
No, you didn't hear anything. Turn and go the other way.
If your dog starts barking at nothing, get the shotgun.
If your dog starts whimpering at nothing, get the shotgun.
If your cat makes that demonic yowling noise and attacks you, it's just acting like a cat.
If it knows how to go for your jugular, though, you need an exorcism. Or a dog.
Don't let your dog out of your sight. Monsters/psychos always go for the dog first.
Have a pack of dobermans that think they're fluffy lapdogs. Surprise the shit out of said monsters/psychos.
If you hear strange noises in the doghouse, it's not the dog.
If you see strange lights or hear strange noises in the shed, get the dog and the non-possessed cat and the shotgun and leave town.
If you see someone standing in the road as you barrel towards him, don't swerve. Run him the fuck over.
I fucking agree. Everyone always brushes the dog off in the movies. Listen to your fucking dog, it's not barking at that weird looking shadow that you think looks like a tree for nothing.
Also, if you ever find duct tape in the house, and have a female with you, do her mouth shut. Usually, they are the ones who will get you into the deepest shit.
Don't think any old "story" isn't true or some old house isn't haunted, chances are, your going to get killed.
if you want to avoid horror movie settings join the army
then your movie becomes a action flick and you can curbstomp that little jap girl.
Have you just inherited a mansion whose previous owner went mad, died horribly or simply vanished? Never ever sleep in the master bedroom, explore the unmapped caverns beneath the cellar and never try to find the source of that insane piping sound going on at night. In fact, never ever visit the mansion in question.
Always bring explosives. Not pansy explosives like grenades instead bring bundles of TNT. Going to your cousins wedding? Great! Just remember to pack the TNT. TNT is good for so many things, like blowing up blasphemous temples or horrible proto-masses. Failing that, TNT makes great firewood for your final bonfire.
In more action-oriented horror movies:
* Always carry one more magazine than you expect to use.
* The abandoned mine never is.
* Painstakingly sealed containers, particularly refrigerators, are probably painstakingly sealed for a purpose.
* If in doubt, empty the magazine.
* Never let your less-than-sane colleague carry the explosives.
* An autopsy-room is not a "safe place".
* Any dark strangers offering you gifts and favors should be avoided like the plague.
* When contemplating ways to execute your mission: think "Overkill".
* Sleep is only a bad substitute for caffeine.
* Always save the last bullet for the moron who got you into this.
* If that moron isn't you, aim for the legs. If you're going to get eaten alive so is he.
* There is no such thing as "too many guns".
* Gasoline - refueling cars is only its secondary use.
* Old Nazis never die. Period.
* Wimps fondle guns. Real Men fondle Doomsday-devices.
I'll post anymore if the thread continues. Some of these are golden.
Listen closely to the soundtrack and pay attention to the audience. They are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
When you are searching a house because you think there is something dangerous there, turn on the damn lights!
make sure your headlights are off before trying to start your car.
When running from danger, do not fall. This can only end in surprise buttsecks.
If you buried your child in a strange place and he came back as a demon, DON'T bury your wife in the same place.
don't be weak, stupid, or horny because you will die first
unless you are a religious freak in which case you have a good shot of survival
If you are a girl, don't shower.
Ever.
don't be black.
do not stay indoors if sure there's a killer after you, or shower
for the love of god people, when running away from a killer, DON'T RUN UPSTAIRS!
It's never lupus.
Oh, & never have sex. You will die having it.
If the movie is directed by someone named Wes Craven or John Carpenter, you're pretty much screwed.
Really, though? If you hear a strange noise outside or in your attic or basement, don't "go check it out", you idiot.
Head for the fucking hills because chances are it's going to be an undead spider-bat hybrid that spits acid out it's tear ducts.
A female should never wear a white shirt without a bra while escaping the monster. It will only increase your chances of falling and causing a freak rainstorm that will make your shirt transparent and result in your immediate death.
zombies are faster than you think.
If you live in Maine and your hometown includes a clown driving a car he calls Christine with a large ,rabid St. Bernard in the backseat, while residing in an old, haunted hotel near a strange Pet Semetary and hangs out with teenage girls with telekenetic powers....you're pretty much screwed.
If you see a little girl crying in a corner, don't comfort her, hit her in the back of the head with a large frying pan.
If the killer is standing three feet in front of you, don't just stand there and scream while he comes running towards you. It may comes as a shock, but he DOES in fact want to kill you.
Hmm...
If your girlfriend becomes transparent and toothless, hit it, steal her spaceship, and go over the stars.
avoid the kitchen.
>>avoid the kitchen.
>>and the attic.
>>and the basement.
>>and the decrepit lab in the back yard.
>>and the cave, forest, lake, old house you were warned about in scene three.
Fix'd
DO NOT SPLIT UP, stay together everyone with their backs to each other so u can see 360 degrees. when someone needs to take a shit, everyone follows into bathroom.
If there is an Asian person, stick with them, they are smarter than the whites and blacks who always gets killed.
don't stand near the stairs
If you hear about a curse, don't fucking investigate it.
When backed against a wall, watch your back.
For god sakes, don't sit down and start crying. Every fucking person does that.
If one shot to the head doesn't do it, chances are an entire clip won't either.
If you're guy number seven out of ten in a squad, and you've all just emptied your Navy SEAL MP5s into something, and it's still standing...don't reload. Fucking run.
tape your hand weapon to your hand, that way it wont slip out of your hands when you get knocked down. almost any hand weapon falls from reach at least 2.5 inches in this situation
Ditch the knife, grab the 2x4/pipe/painsaw for range.
>>avoid the kitchen.
>>and the attic.
>>and the basement.
>>and the decrepit lab in the back yard.
>>and the cave, forest, lake, old house you were warned about in scene three
if u still wanna go place mention above, make sure u save on the pentagram on the wall, so if u dead after being killed with pyramid head, u can load again.
if theres a black guy pretending to have a jamaican accent and giving you a drug that looks like soy sauce and says "It be openin' up worlds, mon" take the fucking drug or youll die from white flying rods wigmonsters and shadow beings
If you're in a group, DON'T FUCKING SPLIT UP.
Don't go in there.
I'm serious.
Jesus, what are you stupid? Don't fucking go in-
Oh and now you've an axe in your face. You've only yourself to blame.
if all else fails "DO A BARREL ROLL!"
if the window is mysteriously open, chances are that its already right behind you.
rusty weapons are usually stronger
Nope. He's not dead yet. Especially not when you collapse in a fit of relief.
zombies are also smarter than you think
and never have sex with one or two girls
If you hear moaning, it's not because someone is lieking mudkipz.
If someone offers to sell you a fucking kick-ass awesome huge house for a relatively tiny amount of money, turn them down you dim-witted fuck! ESPECIALLY if their explaination for why it's so cheap runs along the lines of "The last people to live here were murdered horribly"
When you're all alone, in the middle of the woods, theres rumors of a loose pyscho near by, and you hear a noise, for the love god do NOT go see what the hell it is.
Stay with the little kids.
They never fucking die.
Make sure you're the hero.
If you've looked everywhere in the house for the ghost/demon/psycho and he/she/it's nowhere in sight, there's one place you forgot to look: up.
If you hear a noise and go to investigate it, it will be only your cat or some asshole trying to scare you.
If you hear a noise again after that, you better run bitch, otherwise you're already dead.
Try flicking the monster/psycho/demon across the nose. Works on dogs.
If you are on foot and are being chased by a psycho in a black Oldsmobile, DON'T RUN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING ROAD while he cruises menacingly behind you, revving his engine.
Long story short: If there is a zombie outbreak and you're in a basement in the dark with hundreds of other people and dozens of entrances and no lights. Go ahead and kill yourself or start running.
You only have to outrun fatty.
(Don't forget to kill the chick if its a zombie/murderer movie, because she WILL end up getting YOU killed [or the entire world])
Always travel with someone. He gets you while you're alone.
Go around telling everyone your name and staring out windows thoughtfully, this will make you a main character, and you will have about a 50/50 chance of living.
Be the alpha male. If however you are the geek, don't betray or try to compete with the alpha male. That's a sure way to become hamburger near the end. Instead make sure you suck it up and help the alpha male get the girl - then you'll just be the sexless comic relief.
Give a first, last, middle, and nick name to make yourself the main character.
Always travel with 2 people or else the person will (after a long monologue) turn out to be the killer and fuck you up.
Never look into a mirror twice.
NEVER be relieved in any way or utter words such as "we are safe" "its over now" or any along that line.
Keep a spare torch on hand, do not if one breaks try to change the batteries just go to a light place a safe couple of feet away from anything that can jump out at you.
Fight god dammet! If the thing is on top of you then kick, pull, rip your way out of it.
Kill the fucker as soon as you can, NEVER wait for it to finish changing, that means death for you.
Keep away from your tv, static is a bad thing.
Keep somone slower on hand just in case you have to abandon them, if in doing this make a point to half help then thus you do not sin.
Sin in any form = death.
Dont be a cocky twat, you will die and you should.
Go for the jugular!
If it's a psychotic human odds are he'll not be too skilled, if he's on top of you, bite his neck and rip his jugular out. Crude, but effective.
From there try to run,hide and bind your wounds, he should die from blood loss chasing you.
Cops are to horror movies what trash cans are to action movies. If being chased, always run up to one and ask for help. He will undoubtedly pull his gun and head toward your pursuer(s). When they begin to tear him limb from limb, use this opportunity to escape.
when running away from the killer and you know you can outrun them, dont scream like a pussy. chances are the killer will hear your scream and find you banging against a fence. also avoid fences
do not die, this will surely help you avoid death.
crazy killer clowns can fit almost anywhere
STAY AWAY FROM HOSPITALS.
if you find some blood dripping from the ceiling dont look up, just start running
Never say "I'LL BE RIGHT BACK...". The periods are optional and you don't have to say them, of course.
zombies are stronger than you think.
Japanese spirits attack through the least likely objects and from some crazy ass angles. If you suspect you're in a Japanese horror movie, you're probably gonna die no matter what. If you want a chance at survival though, set awareness levels to "Ringu" and keep them there until the movie becomes Americanized and gets a happy ending.
1)If you are told to "Wait here." by the main character, fucking wait there. Do not explore by yourself because you think you know best. This applies to the main characters younger angstier brother or sister who choose the wrong fucking time to be defiant of the system.
2)If you are the female main character it is encouraged that you DO NOT wait there however. The main character will be set upon by the bad buy and you will save his ass by axing or shooting the bad guy just before the male's demise.
3) If 2 occurs then refer to earlier posts. Do not collapse in relief, do not even breath a sigh of relief. Destroy that motherfucker before it starts to get back up.
stay away from curses of any kind. no, they're not funny. no, they're not bullshit. no, isn't that rewarding show off to your friends saying you entered that haunted house and survived, just to die 15 minutes later. if someone says anything is cursed, even if sounds stupid, it's because IS cursed. stay away. oh that person will die too.
dealing with little ghost girls with long hair in their faces? oh boy. you can run from jason or zombies, but those freak childrens just appear everywhere. but fear not! they NEVER attack you when you're with someone else, or better, a group. NEVER. they always wait you to be alone. protip: never be alone. oh don't sleep too, coffee helps.
locked door is locked. don't waste your time trying to open it. run to another place
stay with the actor with the highest payment
NEVER FUCKING INVESTIGATE! I can't stress this enough, you investigate, you die.
Never say "I'll be right back" Cause you won't.
Don't drink, don't do drugs and don't have sex after its started. Thats how they all die...
When you think you've killed the psycho/monster/alien, He/She/It will always return for one final scene.
Shoot it in the fucking head. Doesn't matter what typical horror movie thing it is. The head usually works.
Children of the Corn.
Get the fuck away from the children!
Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
Always be nice to the shy, quiet, unpopular girl/guy in school.
Clowns never have, nor will they ever be helpful to hang around while in a horror movie. As harmless as the might seem, they WILL kill you once you let your guard down.
Get a clue, kill the guy with the pocket protector, he's going to sacrifice you anyway.
Never wait until you NEED the gun to check and see if it's loaded.
If you are being chased somewhere near a populated area, run TOWARDS people/crowds.
This also applies if you see something freaky in a crowd of people, usually at a fair or on the street. Don't follow it/run from it into a dark/desolate area/place.
DON'T EAT IT!
and be nice to people
if you manage to knock the creature out, DO NOT run away. Finish the job and decapitate it then put the head in the oven and tie chains to the body then to giant cement block and throw it deep into the sea.
Stay together.
Guns don't work.
Talk to the monster's mother to find out how to kill it.
He's still not dead.
Monsters/ghosts/demons don't think churches count as base while playing tag of death.
If you think you're safe, you're not.
Don't look behind you when you run.
Don't save those who fall behind.
He's not afraid, why should you be?
If you're out of breath, you're dead.
If all this fails, pull a Shaggy and Scooby and confuse that bitch with some crossdressing.
KILL IT WITH FIRE!
stay away from the press
and dont you ever fuck a vaccume
Actually have a clue as to what monsters are/what keeps them away/act on the fact they are monsters.
If you manage to knocked a killer\monster down, DO NOT be relieved yet. Bash it's head in ans really make sure it's dead.
NEVER EVER EVER GET NAKED OR HAVE SEX!
If anyone died anywhere a hundred years ago today, don't go there.
On a related note: If you're a girl, don't puss out around guns. Your bitching and reluctance will get your ass killed.
Overkill also makes for great screen presence.
I don't care if Sue is going to go all the way, don't go up to make out point
No, you didn't hear anything. Turn and go the other way.
If your dog starts barking at nothing, get the shotgun.
If your dog starts whimpering at nothing, get the shotgun.
If your cat makes that demonic yowling noise and attacks you, it's just acting like a cat.
If it knows how to go for your jugular, though, you need an exorcism. Or a dog.
Don't let your dog out of your sight. Monsters/psychos always go for the dog first.
Have a pack of dobermans that think they're fluffy lapdogs. Surprise the shit out of said monsters/psychos.
If you hear strange noises in the doghouse, it's not the dog.
If you see strange lights or hear strange noises in the shed, get the dog and the non-possessed cat and the shotgun and leave town.
If you see someone standing in the road as you barrel towards him, don't swerve. Run him the fuck over.
I fucking agree. Everyone always brushes the dog off in the movies. Listen to your fucking dog, it's not barking at that weird looking shadow that you think looks like a tree for nothing.
Also, if you ever find duct tape in the house, and have a female with you, do her mouth shut. Usually, they are the ones who will get you into the deepest shit.
Don't think any old "story" isn't true or some old house isn't haunted, chances are, your going to get killed.
if you want to avoid horror movie settings join the army
then your movie becomes a action flick and you can curbstomp that little jap girl.
Have you just inherited a mansion whose previous owner went mad, died horribly or simply vanished? Never ever sleep in the master bedroom, explore the unmapped caverns beneath the cellar and never try to find the source of that insane piping sound going on at night. In fact, never ever visit the mansion in question.
Always bring explosives. Not pansy explosives like grenades instead bring bundles of TNT. Going to your cousins wedding? Great! Just remember to pack the TNT. TNT is good for so many things, like blowing up blasphemous temples or horrible proto-masses. Failing that, TNT makes great firewood for your final bonfire.
In more action-oriented horror movies:
* Always carry one more magazine than you expect to use.
* The abandoned mine never is.
* Painstakingly sealed containers, particularly refrigerators, are probably painstakingly sealed for a purpose.
* If in doubt, empty the magazine.
* Never let your less-than-sane colleague carry the explosives.
* An autopsy-room is not a "safe place".
* Any dark strangers offering you gifts and favors should be avoided like the plague.
* When contemplating ways to execute your mission: think "Overkill".
* Sleep is only a bad substitute for caffeine.
* Always save the last bullet for the moron who got you into this.
* If that moron isn't you, aim for the legs. If you're going to get eaten alive so is he.
* There is no such thing as "too many guns".
* Gasoline - refueling cars is only its secondary use.
* Old Nazis never die. Period.
* Wimps fondle guns. Real Men fondle Doomsday-devices.
